The Application

April 20th, 2007

“We’re so glad you made it back today.” The usher was pumping my hand like he expected to get water.

I smiled politely. “What do you want?” I thought, but I actually said, “Thank you. I’ve been enjoying the services.”

He cast his line. “You ought to think about joining us.”

“You know, I have been thinking about that.” He had a nibble. With lightening precision, the application and pen were thrust towards my hands.

“Huh?” I was startled, but followed the billowing paper.

He guided me to a back room. “We have a place set up just for you to fill this out.”

I looked at the paper the usher was holding. APPLICATION FOR MEMBERSHIP. I could make out the words even from this distance. “Do you mean I need to apply to your church?” The memory of my first job interview swept into my mind – sweaty palms and shaking resume not excluded.

“No. It’s not like that. We just like to know more about you when you join. That way we can make sure we get you plugged in to the right place.” He jiggled the paper a little, and I followed him into the room. From the distance I thought I heard a deep laughter, but I turned my attention back to the form at hand. NAME, ADDRESS, PHONE NUMBER, DATE OF BIRTH. It all seemed harmless. I glanced up at the usher and thought I noticed him in the corner dancing a jig of excitement - he’d hooked one. Then I noticed him still by my side and realized it was just a mirage, or a dream, and I returned my attention to the paper.

HOBBIES, INTERESTS, GIFTS. I guess this kind of information could help them find a place for me. I scribbled down a few of my favorites. The usher was grinning like a possum. Although I’m not completely sure how they do that.

EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND, SPIRITUAL BACKGROUND. I was stumped. The usher sensed my trepidation and was quick to guide me through this rough point. “That’s nothing’. That’s just what church you’ve been going to before now.”

“Oh.” I nodded. “I guess that does make sense.” There was that laughter again. The usher tapped on the paper to focus my attention down, and I obliged.

EMPLOYER, WORK PHONE, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER. He could see my anxiety before I had spoken a word. He tapped the paper at the line I was reading. “That’s for your benefit. This ways, the accountant has a record of what you tithe, the percentage of your income, and he can have the tax papers ready faster.”

I heard more laughter, and this time I looked around. The usher seemed oblivious. I decided to read on before doing anymore writing. SHIRT SIZE, PANT SIZE, SHOE SIZE. I shook my head. “That’s for the uniform - for the choir of course.” His grin only worked to make my hair stand on end.

EYE COLOR, HAIR COLOR, WEIGHT. “Is this a misprint?” I was pointing to the weight portion of the list. It all seemed to be getting a bit Stepford for me. I looked over my shoulder, but the coast seemed clear.

“Oh no, it’s important that we have an accurate estimate of the congregation. You see, this church is built on a faulty foundation. In order to keep it from falling in we have to evenly distribute the people. We need to know your weight in order to do that.”

I watched the usher for a moment, but he was serious. This was more in depth than I wanted to get into at the moment. “Um, I think I’ll just take this home with me for now.” I folded the form and put it in my purse. “I don’t want to rush things.” I stood up. His look seemed to crush in on itself. It wasn’t going to happen this time and he knew it. He sighed.

“No, you don’t want to do that.” He gazed longingly at my purse as he walked me to the door. He noticed another new couple out of the corner of his eye – two for one – and I was no more than a story in the back of his mind about the one that got away.

“From now on, I think I’ll find out what I’m getting into before I go getting into it.” I drive away. From the distance, I swear I still hear laughter.

Entry Filed under: Fun and Fiction